Farmy Jokes

Lord Viykor · **Posted:** Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:53 pm

Good one Nocky :thumb:

pistolknight · **Posted:** Tue Feb 23, 2010 3:31 pm

Paddy and Mary had been listening to a barking Neighbors dog for weeks
Finally Paddy said "Ive Had a Fookin noof"
Paddy sneaks out Just after Midnight and 30 minutes later mary hears the dog barking louder
"thats worse Patrick what the fook have you done" she asks
Paddy replied "I put the fooking ting in our yard, lets see how they like it"

chillidude · **Posted:** Thu Feb 25, 2010 10:49 am

Nice one !!

earthbound · **Posted:** Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:08 pm

Oh dear...... :lol:

Tristrin · **Posted:** Fri Feb 26, 2010 9:11 pm

Not exactly a joke, but i thought this quote was good:

A quote for the day -
There are three easy ways of losing money -
racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant,
and farming the most certain.

stretchman · **Posted:** Sat Mar 20, 2010 3:36 pm

A visit to a farm.

My wife and I went to the Lincolnshire County Farm Show, and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen, and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'' THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! A week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

I don't remember much about what happened next

My condition has been upgraded from critical
To stable , I should eventually make a full recovery.

Lord Viykor · **Posted:** Sat Mar 20, 2010 4:00 pm

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......
Dave..........

Dave ..................

Dave.........

Dave........

..........you're a vet.

pistolknight · **Posted:** Sun Mar 21, 2010 12:31 pm

Tristrin · **Posted:** Sun Mar 21, 2010 9:15 pm

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with
the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and
appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour,
is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for
surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks
for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,
then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

Faye · **Posted:** Sun Mar 21, 2010 10:09 pm

I think their names were changed becasue it was a true story! Sad isn't it.
At least the first one had the option to be put down without a challenge!

pistolknight · **Posted:** Thu Apr 29, 2010 10:58 am

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, Victoria. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night"

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the local grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the Rudd government.

They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan.

chillidude · **Posted:** Thu Apr 29, 2010 11:46 am

It's an oldy, but thanks to the continuity of politicians, it'll probably outlast religion

Nice one PK

pistolknight · **Posted:** Thu May 27, 2010 12:53 pm

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his penis and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
'When You're Hung Like A Horse,
You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

Granny Smith · **Posted:** Thu May 27, 2010 1:12 pm

In a similar vein, but not really a farm joke:

A young bird fell out of its nest and landed on the cold ground. A farmer saw the bird, picked it up to put it into a nice warm, recently-laid cowpat. The bird soon warmed up and began to sing. A passing fox heard the bird's song, plucked it out of the cowpat and ate it.

The moral of the story is that he who puts you in the shit is not necessarily your enemy and he who gets you out of it is not necessarily your friend.

earthbound · **Posted:** Fri May 28, 2010 4:18 pm

hahahahahahaha...... I think I heard that one a long time ago GS, it's a good one........

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Farmy Jokes

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