Farmy Jokes

pistolknight · **Posted:** Sun Feb 07, 2010 11:32 am

How many Farm and Vegetable Jokes are there? I imagine a lot of kinky Veggie Jokes :hello:

but believe it or not I have one, feel free to post yours

Man walks in to the doctors,
he says "Doc, i think i have a lettuce stuck up my arse"
the doctor says "ok well pull your pants down and bend over".
so the man does this, and then asks the doctor "so what do u think?"
the doctor replies " well i think this is only the tip of the iceberg"

earthbound · **Posted:** Sun Feb 07, 2010 4:35 pm

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But, Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!"

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."
"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

earthbound · **Posted:** Sun Feb 07, 2010 4:40 pm

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Simo · **Posted:** Sun Feb 07, 2010 4:45 pm

pistolknight · **Posted:** Sun Feb 07, 2010 5:56 pm

A woman's vegetable garden is growing like mad, but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting pretty tired of it.

So she walks over to her neighbor's and asks, "Your tomatoes are always red, while mine are always green. How do you do it?"

Her neighbor says, "Well, this may sound absurd, but here's what you do. After dark, go out into your garden and take off all your clothes. When the tomatoes see you they'll get embarrassed and blush. Tomorrow they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the heck, she figures. So she does it.

The next day her neighbor asks her how it went.

"So-so," she said, "The tomatoes are still green, but the cucumbers are all 4 inches longer."

earthbound · **Posted:** Sun Feb 07, 2010 6:12 pm

I found that joke too but I wasn't going to put it in..... :damn doesn't seem to be a red faced smily:

pistolknight · **Posted:** Tue Feb 09, 2010 3:33 pm

A ventriloquist cowboy took a walk in the country and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk)......"Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars, every darned one of 'em!!!!

Granny Smith · **Posted:** Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:13 pm

PN, thank you for not making that a Kiwi joke. Appreciate it. :thumb:

Granny Smith · **Posted:** Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:42 pm

Put your hand up if you've NOT heard the old joke about the pig with a wooden leg.

pistolknight · **Posted:** Tue Feb 09, 2010 7:23 pm

GS i am the most politically correct person I know :confused:

chillidude · **Posted:** Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:55 am

Hellsgate · **Posted:** Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:01 am

I've not heard it. I lead a sheltered life. :wave:

Granny Smith · **Posted:** Wed Feb 10, 2010 12:14 pm

An insurance salesman visiting a farm notices a pig with a wooden leg. He asks the farmer 'What's the story about that pig?'
'That pig!,' the farmer replies. 'It's the most amazing animal. One night our house caught fire and the pig pushed its way through the door and woke us up, otherwise we would all be dead by now.'
'Yes, but what about it's wooden leg?' the salesman says.
'The pig is a marvel,' says the farmer. 'One of my kids fell into the dam and nearly drowned, but the pig jumped in and brought him to the bank.'
'Wow, but why has it only got three legs?'
'Do you know, one night I was driving home in a storm when a tree fell across the road. I would have crashed into it but the pig ran up the road and stopped me.'
'Yes, Yes,' says the exasperated salesman, 'I can see it is an extraordinary animal, but you haven't told me why it has only three legs!'
'Well,' says the farmer, 'how could you kill a pig like that, just because you want roast pork for dinner.'

pistolknight · **Posted:** Mon Feb 22, 2010 11:51 am

AUSSIE POEM ...

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock,
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank,
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt,
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free,
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down,
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim,
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks,
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam,
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip,
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath,
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side,
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed,
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea,
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view,
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch,
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car,
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far,
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks,
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

earthbound · **Posted:** Tue Feb 23, 2010 12:31 pm

hahahahahaha.... Now there's a poem......

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Farmy Jokes

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